We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
