get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
