i may or may not be watching the land before time
i love accidental penises.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
