she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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