i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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