your parents love me but you hate me
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
