you guys were way drunker than both of me
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Randomize
