I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
