Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
