he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
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