You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
