I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
