On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
