Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Randomize
