insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Sext me about skeletons
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
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