you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
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