Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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