he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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