mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
