I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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