I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize