theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
