my phone needs a breathalizer
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
