Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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