guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
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