I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
