i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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