I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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