turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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