I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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