i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
And then he peed in my hair
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