Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
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