I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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