Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
