My liver just broke up with me...
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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