I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
