oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize