my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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