you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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