If that was your dad, he is hot
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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