I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
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