dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
