end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Randomize
