that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
