He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
