I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
