Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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