woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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