every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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