How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize