2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
