saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
