peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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