if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
