it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Randomize
