Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
